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Tuesday, May 14th, 2013
2:45 pm
I think this is where I've always meant to be. Safely nestled in your arms, feeling your warm hands and letting you give me that look that sends my head spinning. I've read and re-read everything in this journal many times over the last 9 years or so, and I guess this is where it's all come down to. Finally understanding myself, what I need, and who wants to share in this big beautiful chaos alongside me.

(!)

Friday, December 14th, 2012
8:07 am

Happy.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Wednesday, June 27th, 2012
10:34 pm
Part 1: The End.

Yes, we are beginning with the end. because that's how you chose to begin our last conversation. by ending it all. 6 years of fighting for you came to a screeching head-on slam through the better half of a brick wall when you said you were through with me. when you said you couldnt possibly give me anything remotely close to what i deserved from you. over the last two years, night after night, i would leave you, and cry the entire drive home. my chest heaving and throat drowning in sobs down the long stretches of route 280 while the oncoming headlights blinded me through wet eyes. i thought, "okay, this is it. this is what i deserve for hurting him all those years ago. for leaving him when he needed me. i wont leave him again. and i will let him not tell me he loves me. i will let him remind me about how many other women he has in his life and how much more he likes his friends than me. this is what i get for being a bad person. this is what i need to endure for the next 10 years until he sees how much i love him and how sorry i am."

but when the shit hit the fan, you let me down. again. and as much as you wanted me to be the bad guy, this time it's you who fucked up. it's you who pretended the next day that we didnt have a relationship-ending conversation. it's you who didnt even respect me enough to give me a moment of your precious time to sit with me and hug me and say, "so sorry, it's over." instead, you hung up on me and left me a blubbering, shivering mess inside of my little car in the middle of a parking lot as a monstrous thunderstorm began to blow through the air. it's you who gave that last fatal blow to my heart and this time, you won't ever get it back.

i told myself i would never be able to love another person again. 6 years of damage would take a least a lifetime to fix, wouldnt it? and even after a lifetime, would someone ever really love me, anyway? all dramatics aside, i know this: i've made friends, i've dated, i've fucked. where does the bullshit end and the real ANYTHING begin?

Part II. The Beginning.

That's where he comes in. His crooked smile caught me off guard and left my hands anxious with sweat. the first night we met, it was as if the fates finally knew i was ready to meet him and they dropped him down from the sky into the bar stool across from me. Talking well into the AM twilight, reminiscing about old times with friends and making new memories without even realizing it ("the Maggie's night", as we will probably always refer to it). when he dropped me off at my car that night, i crawled into his neck as he whispered, "dont be a stranger." though we didnt share a kiss between lips, his energy kick-started my own into a frenzy as i felt electricity pulse from his sun-kissed collar bone into my soft right cheek.

he terrifies me. the way his hands always find my legs beneath the table at dinner or the back of my neck when i drive us through the winding parts of new jersey. like magnets. the way he breathes into my neck when we're tangled under the sheets and the way his hot skin feels when it's pressed into my own softness. the way calls me 'darlin' when i pick up his phone calls and laughs when i have funny things to say. the way i feel about him, the way im drawn to his arms. the way he inspires me to give and share unconditional love more than ever before. the way i want to hear about his life and his family. the way im falling for him, it's all so fucking terrifying.

i know he can see right through me and into my stitched up heart. ive been fixing my own wounds for as long as i can remember, and the scars are deep and haphazard. theyve healed and reopened, and only really hurt on some days and most nights when i've had a few glasses of wine and a flicker of memory. it's comforting to know his strong hands want to help expedite the healing process.

he knows almost everything about my situation, and he knows i am strong but unfairly damaged. and he wants to help. i know almost everything about his situation, and i know he is strong but unfairly damaged. i want to help.

so where do we go from here? i suppose we'll see in Part III.

(!)

Tuesday, November 29th, 2011
12:24 pm
the last time i saw your father, his eyes were hollowed out by the sadness of his diagnosis. pancreatic cancer - the one cancer that has plagued my relatives for my whole life, is now a plague on yours. but when i drove down to his house on the night you told me, he was still the same man. but those hollow eyes. i will never forget them.

now, he is shrinking away before me. his arms are thinner than mine, the loose skin like a sweater that's two or three sizes too big. his jaw looks frail, teeth protruding slightly when he licks his dry lips with an even drier tongue. his always plump belly is now bloated with the retention of water that must be drained daily from a tube that has been installed to his side. like a machine. His confident, smooth as silk voice is scratched and tender, as if the chords are one pluck away from snapping. the blue eyes, that he gave to you, no longer sparkle with the joy of laughter, but are dulled. and always just a little too moist. and hollow.

it's devastating, seeing him that way. this man i have known for years, the man that i hope one day you will become, is dying. this is his last thanksgiving. he called me "girlie," and as the words slipped from his lips, i could feel my emotions sucker punch the bottom of my heart, right above my stomach. my eyes welled up from the pain, but i couldnt let him (or you) see me cry. so i bit my tongue and reminded myself that his gentle embrace around my waist was spreading just enough love to him to keep him a little warmer for the moment. i have read recently that so many people with cancer aren't touched enough - that the skin to skin contact is so important. "i am living with cancer, but dying from lack of affection." so, i pressed my body into his with just enough pressure to remind him how much i love him. your father. like he is my own.

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Thursday, October 13th, 2011
9:52 pm
it's amazing how much time has passed since ive been on here to write something. it's inexcusable really. is this another sign of growing up? have i completely forgotten how important writing has been to me for such a long time that i've neglected the one place that i can fully, truly, divulge the things that are in my heart and on my mind? i hope i never forget how much of a relief it is to come on here every now and then just to put it all out there.

which is a great segue into why i logged in here in the first place - putting it all out there. i've fully thrown my life back into yours and it's fucking terrifying. it's as if the last year has passed and nothing has changed, but not in the bad way. in the good way. we laugh and talk every day. i think about you and worry for you, and you check in on me and rub my back and let me take a nap in your room when you know i've had a long day. those are things we used to do for each other all the time, and when it stopped, i felt lost. empty. broken. and now... well...

i guess i dont feel that way anymore. and i think if i turned around tomorrow and you left me again, i dont think i would be as broken. as empty. which is why things are so good right now. but i still cant shake this worry that you might just be waiting for the next best thing to come your way. and what does that say about me? am i just settling to keep myself busy until i find someone new?

so many questions that dont have answers - it's ridiculous that i think this much. but when you pick me up in those strong arms and place me in between your pillows, i cannot help by tangle myself into your sheets and wait for you to get comfy so i can lay my head onto your chest. i fall asleep on those nights to the rhythm of your heart and the sound is so soothing that im pretty sure it's a dream im about to wake up from. so lets not ask questions any more, especially when the answers are right there next to us, sleeping peacefully.

(!)

Monday, June 20th, 2011
10:51 pm
i finally took a vacation from life in the physical and metaphorical sense. the wind that rushed over the cliffs of moher on the western coast of ireland only vaguely reminded me of the way your fingers trail along the wall of your father's house as you run down the stairs. the clearest water hundreds of feet below me only brought me back to the never ending depths of your truly blue eyes. and despite all of that, i fell in love with each of the three boys i kissed. each one so unique and so full of life. each one matched to a different part of my soul that i had forgotten existed. each one so different but all sharing the common thread of my lips pressed into theirs. and it was a truly wonderful thing, to meet so many beautiful people. but in the end, everyone leaves. and i leave. and hate to be left behind. so when the wheels of that plane bounced along the tarmac of JFK, your memory came rushing right back to me. the truth? i dont know how i feel about you any more. so i'll trace my fingertips along the walls of those memories for a little while longer and maybe this time, i'll find what im looking for.

(!)

Tuesday, February 15th, 2011
7:11 pm
i keep typing and retyping the words i want to say, but maybe im finally realizing that "blogging" about my life only adds to the lonesome sunday morning feelings. i will never full understand why i do the things i do, but i can only hope that im making good choices for once. despite being freaked out that im turning 24 this year, i know that only good things are waiting for me in the future. trying to plan massive trips and enjoy my bacheloretteism while i have it is taking up much of my time. but then again, there are mornings like this one where i would want to spend the day in bed with hot tea and a warm body. like everyday, though, i will get up and get dressed and make the most of the sunshine while it lasts. and i will continue to move forward.

(!)

Friday, December 10th, 2010
9:17 pm
i've come to terms with the fact that im going to be on my own for awhile. my phone isn't constantly going off with flirtatious texts. i have no one to call except my mother when something bad happens. but i have a bunch of very important people in my life who still need me and who i still need. but there are times like this when ive had a little too much wine in my big house in a new town that i realize im on my own for real. i cant just walk out into the living room and sit next to my dad while he plays tiger woods' golf game on his laptop. i cant roll over and see jenna's smiling face in the bed next to mine. and most importantly, or maybe not MOST but up there, i cant be loved. not right now. and as badly as i want to love and be loved, i know its impossible. i learned a few weeks ago that this is what it feels to be broken, even though i thought i was getting better by the day. i figured out that youre broken until you start fixing yourself. youre broken until you exchange the old with the new. and there are many exciting prospects happening with work, friends, and my future. but love. being in love. what a fucking terrifying thing. so i will remain broken for a little while longer. i'll continue to be a man eater and tell nice boys that care too much about me that i cannot be loved right now. and i'll be okay.

(!)

Tuesday, July 20th, 2010
6:38 pm
i need to let go of everything i find comfortable and open my eyes to new risks. that's the only way, after all, to find new rewards. when i spent a good few minutes telling you how excited i was for my interview, you completely blew it off. regardless of how angry i am at you for that, i almost have to thank you for once again reminding me why i never let you back in. all of my walls are up in the LOCK position, and just outside of that fortress i have a tiny army of beautiful women in sexy warrior outfits wielding swords and flaming arrows in the defense of my heart. i cannot believe how many lame dates and ridiculous people i have dealt with over the course of the last 7 (almost 8) months. i know breaking up with bobby was the farthest from a mistake, yet is this what i have to deal with? getting fucked and never called again? men who overreact about nonsense? corny mix cds and first-date flowers reminiscent of a teenaged relationship? MORE awful, painfully awkward sexual encounters? im done! im beyond over this bullshit and there are so many women i know who are dealing with the same thing. so many of us who are terrified that all the best ones have been scooped up and we are now left to deal with the leftovers we meet at the bar on the weekends, ex-boyfriends who are just as, if not more, fucked up than we are, and of course everyone's favorite weirdo hangout - the fucking internet. we are not alone in this, i know that. i know people understand what i am going through. but i havent felt more alone than i have over the last few weeks. its almost like something big and exciting has to happen soon because i'll lose my mind if it doesn't. but therein lies my first mistake - expecting anything.

(1? | !)

Saturday, July 10th, 2010
3:40 pm
i had you. only for a few fleeting hours, but i did. right there, between my hands your face was there and i realized how blue your eyes still are and how much i missed the way your arms feel when they are around me. your lips are still too small but your tongue is perfect and that combined with your hands remembered the contours of my body and i remembered yours (i could never forget yours) and when i asked if you knew what you were doing you said you didnt and i guess i didnt either but i knew when my body tightened up and i felt your heart beatbeatbeatbeat into my own that i had you. but that was then.

(!)

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010
1:31 am - ..like lightning strikes the same place twice
it was sometime between 2am and the rising of the sun, laying down next to you in a tiny spot you'd dug out for us on the windy, moonlit shore of belmar, new jersey when i confessed that i should have never stopped kissing you. and i suppose, at the time, i meant at that moment. the moment when you tilted my chin toward you and pressed your lips into my own trembling, salty ones. my hair was matted and my palms were sweating with so much passionate desire. i felt my stomach turn itself inside out (the equivalent to butterflies, except the fluttering of their wings nearly tore me to beautiful, delicate pieces). but i pulled away from you, trying to rationalize why. i remember thinking and barely communicating to you that i knew it was still so complicated and emotional for me. i knew i hadn't sorted my shit out and was still reeling from what happened when i pushed you away with full force. but the way my heart races when your fingers touch my cheek... well, i'm a sucker for it. i always have been. and the next thing i told you was that i should never have stopped kissing you in the first place. and you sighed and agreed. yet in the middle of your repetition of that sentence, i went for it. how could i not? with the way you look at me and the way your body feels when it's wrapped into to mine, it would be absolutely insane to let the night end without feeling you closely. that night has not left my mind in weeks because it was one of the most romantic things i've ever experienced. i don't think i deserved it, but i hope i can find a way back there. with you.

(!)

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010
9:07 pm
i keep saying that i am emotionally void, that i cannot give two shits about another person right now. but who the fuck am i kidding? all i want to do is love and be loved, so why is it so fucking hard?

(!)

Sunday, May 9th, 2010
9:34 pm
i havent lived this much in a long time, and i firmly believe it's because you are no longer a part of my life. if you were, i'd be huddled in your room with you, resenting every part of you. the way you don't understand me and the way you are only happy when we're fucking. because that's what it became. me, pinned under you, waiting for you to tell me im beautiful in between your animalistic grunts. but that never happened anymore and i felt gross and wondered why i loved you as much as i did. how could i love someone who couldn't handle me? how could i love someone so goddamned much that never wanted to me to love them in the first place? what a confusing and ridiculous thing; to love another person to the point where you would let them hurt you over and over again. i am not innocent, but you have completely and utterly ruined the way i used to see you. i have plenty of reasons to get over you, and the saddest part is that you will let me go and never think twice. you will continue to be the victim and mope around and fuck ANOTHER girl who will open her legs wide enough. and i hope you are haunted by my curves and the smell of my skin late at night when you're curled to the curvature of your fucking stupid pillows. i hope your back hurts and no one rubs it for you and i hope you see me someday and realize what you've thrown away. i cannot ask you for anything more than that.

(!)

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010
12:39 pm
I don't know where I fit anymore.

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Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010
2:00 pm
comfort and solace, peace and serenity. my heart is hard but my eyes are soft from crying too often lately. im SCARED. terrified. petrified. frozen in time, in a moment, in a memory. i preached recently that life is too big and beautiful beyond the sheets, but i'm learning that beauty lies within them, too. and within all of us. it vibrates through our skin in glimmering waves and washes over us like the sun through a skylight in our cozy little nooks. the crook. it still fits. its all okay and guess what; i don't care. which is so much more romantic than it looks typed out in courier font in this tiny little text box. in fact, "care" is the wrong word. i dont mind. i dont think. which is a lie because my mind is always wrapping. wrapping this all up into a tiny little package so when i get lonely i can open it and let the music swirl around me and all at once i feel whole again.

god you're beautiful. and you're just like me. all consumed by a mind that never halts and a heart that you cannot contain. i meant it when i said i wish i could find someone that could keep up with me and could handle everything i have to give. there's too much of me and not enough people who know what to do about that. and all at once you understand just from existing, and i dont think you know how important that is. i dont think anyone does.

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Friday, March 19th, 2010
2:37 pm
the warmth between two palms will be enough for awhile

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Monday, March 8th, 2010
11:43 am
my mind is still spinning from it all, and the best thing that has happened since is songs don't sound quite as helpless to me anymore. im only slightly worried, because i want to know that the moments that occurred (in their truly perfect sequence) don't hurt you, but give you hope again they way they did for me. i'm not sure about you, but i lost hope for a while. i guess it was hiding in between those bare and brick walls or along those rushing streets or inside of a really fucking good burrito, just waiting to fill the holes within me. it was genuine, it wasnt forced, and even after time had passed, it still felt right. and even if im the only one in this ship, sinking as it may be, i will go down with it knowing that it always was (and always will be) worth it. and there are so many beautiful things i want to say. so many beautiful things i want to write and express and show you. i cant ever thank you enough.

(!)

Friday, February 26th, 2010
1:52 pm
and i really need this. i hope when i look up, that those stars are brighter than i can recently remember and.

and.

i cant help the way my body trembles at night (like it has every night for the last two months ive been sleeping alone). my skin is soft and i know it because i have to put my own palm onto my small waist to help myself fall asleep. i have to rub my own shoulders when the world gets too heavy and kiss my own wrists when i feel overwhelmed or when ive had too many jack and cokes (or both, which has been the norm lately). ive become my own love, and its terrifying; now im just waiting for me to leave me, and then who will i have?

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Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
10:25 am
2010 is already proving to be one of the most epic years of my life. epic in both good and bad ways, of course, but really truly mind boggling and crazy. last season of lost, last coheed album, last semester of school. no hope for salvaging what used to be my relationship but only hope for the things to come.

(4?s | !)

Saturday, January 16th, 2010
11:54 am
if you would let me, i would hold you forever. i hate that you sleep so much because i think the world beyond the sheets is too bright and undiscovered to be wasted, but im starting to realize why it has become a form of security for you. i dont like picturing you in bed, eyes glazed over, slipping in and out of consciousness. and when you are feeling that way, i just want to wrap my arms around you and hold you close. i want you to know and to feel the warmth of love surround you. i want to be able to tell you that life is okay and there's nothing to be afraid of. i want to kiss your eyelids as you sleep in hoping that my love for you can give you peace while you dream. i know i cannot be the cure, but i want to be one of the reasons you get help. youre telling me you dont want me to wait for you, but i refuse to leave.

(!)

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