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Sunday, November 15th, 2009
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5:50 pm
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that really wasnt how i thought it was going to happen. the drinks, sure, but blackout, not so much, and the spectacle, not at all. it was a fucking circus, like standing in the center of a ring while the lions roared and eyed their meals. the lights shined on us from all angles and why did they insist on breaking in? didnt they get it? i suppose i thought i could make it the way i had always pictured it; something that meant something to me. it wasnt about the sex. it really wasnt. it was about the experience, but when the curtain was ripped away from the wall and i stood with my back to them, searching for the comfort within the embrace of anyone who would touch me, i knew it didnt mean that to anyone else in the whole world. i tried to make it something meaningful, i tried to save the passion and the beauty. but i failed. and i rolled with it sure, i played along and gave it my all, but the next day i felt used. i felt like a piece of meat. i lost my dignity and i guess i lost my respect for myself. and the worst part, i think, is that im going to harbor these feelings for a really, really long time and i dont think anyone's going to be able to understand.
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| Saturday, October 24th, 2009
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9:50 am
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it was so hot in the suite last night, but i managed to squeeze my way in and around the beer pong table. we were partners like we always are, and we won a few games here and there. i met some new girls - probably freshman and sophomores - who reminded me of myself when i was a freshman, searching for parties and unsurely sipping at keystones (that always seemed a bit too warm). there was dancing to girl talk, old and new albums, and singing to queen. the best part, though, was seeing just how many people could fit into the two rooms. the smell of liquor and metabolizing bodies doesnt really affect you so much when you've got that much alcohol coursing through your veins. when he stood at the front of the room at the stroke of midnight, i looked around the room and counted 40 people. 40. ive been to plenty of on campus parties and never have i been in a room with 40 people. not to mention the fact i LIKED every person in the room. the movie was perfect - who really is to judge right and wrong, good or bad? we're all good in our own ways, and despite our flaws, we're all such beautiful people. and when the credits began to roll, we all clapped and cheered. i almost wish RA's came and knocked on the door just so they could open it up and immediately be hit with the onslaught of true and raw happiness.
i dont want to graduate. not yet.
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| Thursday, October 15th, 2009
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10:19 am
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I'm finding out how solid and whole my relationships are.
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| Monday, October 5th, 2009
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10:08 am
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today i'm 22. weird. i wrote a two page letter for my class. i had to pick a quote from the book we're reading and write a reaction to it. the quote was:
"the best part of having loved, I told myself, was the memory of having loved."
so i wrote a two page letter to someone who will never read it. it felt good to get it out though, and have other people read it. i think the things we feel about other people are so powerful and so strong at times, and i needed to capture the way i felt at the end of the summer of 2006. i was 18 then. im 22 now. time goes on and on without us and sometimes i wish i could catch up.
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| Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
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11:01 am
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I hate all the emotional ups and downs that i subject myself to. i keep getting let down by people, but at the same time its making me realize the constants in my life are far more valuable than simply a reliable part of the equation. in fact, your conspiracy theories and your girlfriend and your shady two-timing (three different people, in fact)have all made me realize the man in my life is perfect for me. as much as i dont like being mooched on physically and emotionally, ive always been a bit of a rug when it comes to my friends. i guess im not minding as much because i just want to have a good semester and good memories to look back on. at the same time though, i wonder how many of the people sitting with me in my common room every night are going to be apart of my life after the next 6 months. but like i mentioned, the girls i live with are rooted to me and wouldnt be able to get away if they tried.
the most important thing i think, though, is to not worry about that kinda stuff. i love my new internship so so so much and i hope that i can spend so much time there getting to learn the ins and outs of the non-profit industry. my boss wore jeans on my first day in the office, so you can imagine my excitement over her casualness compared to my last internship. i just like that i can function in the real world to some extent because believe me that was a real big fear of mine.
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| Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
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10:22 am
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it feels unreal to be back. fourth year in a row. i love my suite so far and i hope this year is only positive and warm and loving and good. i have a good feeling about it all. i am going to be devastated when jenna and i move out for the last time.
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| Monday, July 27th, 2009
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9:50 pm
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listen: if you cant handle keeping in touch with me, then you have to fucking stop pretending to care that we dont talk anymore. im so done trying - after 7 years, this is how im being treated? no. im done. you are an adult and im an adult, but you cant answer the fucking phone if i call? when i try to help you out, and care about your wellbeing, dont you think you could give me an ounce of respect and give me the time of day? im not asking to be your best friend, but whether you like it or not, i know you better than most people. whether you like it or not, you cannot erase the memory of me. i hope you know im sure as hell not going to wait around for you to realize that you have ruined any and all love that i had left for you. the space in my heart where you held a permenant place is going to be filled up for someone who wants it. and, more importantly, someone who deserves it. once again, youve managed to get under my skin and hurt me all over again. you did this. you did this you did this you did this. it is not my fault that i care too much about other people. i hope youre happy.
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| Thursday, July 9th, 2009
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12:44 pm
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i work too much i work too much i work too much i work too much.
and then i get 1,000 dollar paychecks and it ends up being alright!
all im doing right now is anticipating next semester. im looking forward to being a senior, living with my closest friends, and being able to have an easy work load for the first time ever. im making money now so i can spend it when im at school. i also want to be closer to bobby - seeing him once a week is really not cool. im pretty sure im over long distance relationships. ive been in one with every relationship ive had since patrick, and im pretty sure my emotional well being is finally starting to suffer.
other than that, ive been diving into beautiful new music and am letting myself relax and enjoy life. ive been reflecting on the past and instead of depressing me, its making me feel good. i know i spent my time making the most of things, and im pretty proud of that. and so it goes.
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| Monday, June 22nd, 2009
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9:21 pm
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i'm tired. but its ok because summer is finally starting to work out its kinks. quitting my internship has proven to be the best decision i've made, and i have 3 interviews in the next few weeks (two of which are in the next two days). its going to be hard to choose between madison square garden and the national ms society, though, because they are both so vastly different. i just want to do everything! i hope it works itself out. im not really a religious person, but im going to throw this one up to whatever god is out there and hope that he or she can give me a little guidance. this is my future and its freaking me out. but from what i hear, that's normal. and so it goes.
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| Thursday, May 21st, 2009
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11:14 pm
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let me start off by saying - I HOPE IM NOT JINXING MYSELF RIGHT NOW
..
Summer didn't really hit until the past few days when people came back into my life at full swing. the anxiety I had built up over not hearing from anyone finally broke, and I got calls from Smarte Carte, emails from Michelle, and then spent time with some really, really good people. there was some heavy drinking that didnt end in vomiting with one of my best friends, less drinking that involved good catching up with one of my oldest friends, and even less drinking that involved two of the most influential, inspiring people I've ever had the chance to know and am so lucky to be so close to. despite the pangs of nostalgia I've been getting, mixed with intense longing to be back at FDU, I've managed to hold it together pretty well.
one of the biggest things, too, is how beautiful and perfect things are with the person who has shared the better part of the last 2 and a half years with me. i never thought i could really be so in love with another human being for such a long time, and in such a healthy way. i dont mention him enough in my livejournal ranting, but i never ever forget how lucky i am to have him in my life. those blue eyes, strong arms, and contagious laughter. all of it is something so pure, almost dreamlike. i wake up next to him in the morning, curled to the curvature of my own body, and i cant help but kiss his forehead gently and pull him closer. his warmth never ceases to make my heart skip beats and dizzy my head with thoughts of cheesy romance. our sex life is beyond amazing; he turns me on in the most ridiculous way. but i think the most important part is that i know that no matter what happens in the future, i never ever took him or us for granted. we've been through some of the most insane highs and lows and it has only brought us closer together. i cried when he bought me flowers this valentine's day. he never does things like that and i realized that it doesnt matter if he does or not because i already know how in love we are. and when he pulled a bouquet out, i couldnt hold back the emotions as they spilled out of me because in his own bobbyesque way, he was able to captivate my soul and make me fall in love with him over again.
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| Sunday, May 17th, 2009
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11:35 pm
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i don't know what it is about being home, but i feel like a waste of life. no real reason to get up in the morning, no real reason to do much of anything. work starts on friday so i should probably try and enjoy the nothing-ness while i still can, but to be honest, i wish i was waking up at 9AM tomorrow and putting on my khakis and smarte carte shirt. at least then i'd have a reason. who knows, melodrama is sorta my thing, so this entry is polished well for that. i just want this internship to work out so i can graduate college with a salary. at least that way i can get out of here and find a new place to start over again. here, in this town in this house, i've got nothing left.
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| Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
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9:33 pm
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so im packing and having a few blue moons with my roommate and im just really excited to be done with this hellish semester. in the fall, i'll have 2, almost 3, days completely off and i might even get a full time job with my internship at some point. things are looking good, and im already thinking about moving to somewhere close to somerville after graduation so i can be close to my job. potentially of course. nothing is permanent and nothing is forever, but im still enjoying things right now. a pretty crazy summer awaits - full time 6 flags + 2 days a week internship = no days off like ever. but im gonna stick it out and hope for everything to work out alright. i feel like myself now more than ever. i have love and passion flowing through my veins. i think this semester really messed me up and stressed me out. all of junior year i did a ton of growing and changing, so i can only think that senior year will be exponentially better.
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| Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
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3:56 pm
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| Sunday, April 26th, 2009
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6:34 pm
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i have officially published two blog posts for my internship. one is for the travel marketing company east-tours and the other is for a cnbc television show "karma trekkers"
http://ethicaljourneys.blogspot.com
http://karmatrekkerstv.typepad.com/
not only this, but if things work out, i could be on the credits for a new show as a "publicity assistant"
im not used to being rewarded for all the hard work i put into stuff, but this is seriously more exciting than anything that has happened to me regarding my future. and i mean that seriously.
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| Monday, April 20th, 2009
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2:38 pm
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im not holding on to people anymore.
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| Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
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3:30 pm
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i dont know why ive been writing in this thing so much lately -
but i have to say I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR MY INTERVIEW
if i could work for these people and spend my entire life just
traveling around the world and reviewing luxury hotels and eateries,
I could honestly say it would be my dream job. honestly.
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| Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
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1:44 am
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i have so many mixed feelings -
today was an exceptionally great day. i met coheed and cambria and completely word vomited all over the place. but it was amazing and claudio just smiled at me and nodded, he's so soft spoken, and then when i stuttered too fast and he confused me calling myself "corny" for "courtney" he laughed so full heartedly that i actually think he got a kick out of it and wasnt just laughing at my nervous twitchyness. or at least that's what im going to keep telling myself. but i rocked out with my girls, had dinner with cash, came back to my room and rocked out so hard to the dvd. we spent time with mike and timmy, jenna joined us. it was a really good night. but i feel so nostalgic for my friends at home, too. even if we are barely friends anymore, i still miss the memories of them and i think it hurts me so much because i know for a fact they dont feel that way about me. i know i fucked up my and taylor's friendship pretty badly, and although i tried to contact her and make amends, she will not return my calls. so ive decided to drop it and move on because if she wont hear me out, then there is nothing more i can do. and i completely understand her for it and feel like an absolute shit head about it all - to lose so many years of friendship over a miss-communication is really tragic, in my opinion. sometimes i worry that things are so bad between the two of us that it spills over into my and sue's relationship. but the two of them have been closer than me and sue for the past few years, so i suppose there's really nothing else i can do about it except not worry. when susan called me a few weeks ago i was almost scared to talk to her because i didnt know what to say. but it felt like nothing had changed and it was then that i realized i havent said the word "swan" in so, so long. i dont really know why im venting this all out now, but its just flowing through my fingers right now so i'll go with it.
i have an internship interview on monday and im fucking stoked. its for a travel marketing company and i think im so excited for it because then i will be able to focus my time on something other than how lonely i feel during the summer months. i hate being home because i dont want to talk to people from that town. my sister poisons my family and it wears us all down. my college friends live far away, my boyfriend lives farther away. but now that i know i have an outlet - a reason to get up in the morning, as pathetic as that sounds - i wont be as miserable this summer. and i think some of my friends who actually live at home that i actually do care about, like mizzy and sopan, will be really proud of me and that's all i really need. its nearing 2am and i still have so much on my mind. i might crack open the journal that a swan gave me years ago and add to it tonight (it means so much to me that i actually only write in it when i know i have something profound to say. the last entry was last semester and it was a solid 4 pages). and i will reiterate
today was an exceptionally great day.
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| Monday, March 9th, 2009
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2:09 am
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people keep changing, or maybe it's just me.
i have an alcohol problem that i refuse to deal with. i guess me and stephanie have more in common than i want to admit.
im tired all the time, but ive been essaying with so much heart in my advanced writing course. i havent written anything worth reading in too long, so its refreshing to be able to put little personal memoirs on paper every now and then.
this semester is absolute fucking hell, and i can't wait for it to be over.
internships are looking grim, but i'm trying to keep my hopes up.
im not sad or miserable, im just drained from everything. every single thing.
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| Thursday, February 19th, 2009
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10:34 am
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so.
i have been more stressed out than i think ive ever been. which is really saying something considering how anxious i am on a constant basis. the overwhelmedness turned into yelling at a good friend for getting on my nerves, snapping at the smallest things, and even causing some other friends to approach me and tell me they are worried about me. i guess things that happened at home over break are still carrying over into this semester. i also recently figured out that living off campus is probably going to be impossible for me financially; i have yet to tell my ex future housemate and she is probably going to flip out. but what can i do? ive been trying to save and rework my finances. i applied to almost 20 jobs in the last 2 months and have been lead on and let down. its just not in the cards right now, and even though im going to have to suffer through living at home for yet another summer, at least i'll be able to have enough money to survive.
in any case, im panicking about internships and jobs. i know im powerless to the things happening with the world today, but i know that this is probably the worst time to be looking for an actual job. it freaks me out that im graduating in 2010 because thats next year. bobby is struggling so much right now, his dad's company is barely afloat, and i dont know how to tell him how petrified i am of ending up with no job, no money, and some bullshit job at 6 flags. he will tell me not to worry about it, but thats not how i roll. i worry. im a worrier. always have and always will be. ugh.
i had a dream about dancing to biggie smalls' greatest hits album with all the black guys on campus last night. at least that is keeping me in high spirits.
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| Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
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8:39 am
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this has already been the most insane year ever, and it's only february. life updates soon, but for now, breakfast.
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